I've learned

I've learned that I'm never gonna have more high expectations, I'm never gonna expect anything anymore because they keep leading me to disappointment. And I'm sick and tired of getting hurt, crying, feeling unable to move, to do anything. I need to start building a wall, and have low expectations, No more cute things to try to make everything better, no more. I've wasted my effort and energy. It's slowly killing me, I'm not strong enough to handle disappointment, so shouldn't the best thing to do is start avoiding it, shutting down my emotions. I'm gonna try to change, I feel like best will never be enough, I'm done.

Stupid shit wasted my fucking time.

Waste my fucking time, all you people are so fucking selfish, if some people didn't want to eat at a fucking restraunt then don't. Think about the people not yourself you bunch of hoebags! If you want to explore or some shit go on your fucking time and not waste other people's time! Some people are trying to leave and get home fast! I spent each night while you were away crying. I'm crying right now and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I hate all of you you stupid fucking shit heads. I ain't never joining you stupid club because all you fucking people are irresponsible! Fucking liars saying you would leave at 1. This morning, I was thinking today's the day, I'm gonna see you again finally. I kept wanting to sleep more so time would go by faster. I woke up and tried to look prettier, I wore like 10 pounds of make up, I don't even like cover up but I tried, I curled my fucking hair which took like 30 fucking minutes of my time and because of that I came in late to school. They ran out of chairs so I had to stand the whole stupid period, I always come early so I get a seat but no, not this day. I got marked off and I stood the whole time. People even complimented on me today, I don't even like curling my hair that much but no, I wanted to dress up for you. By the time I got out I was thinking okay...just 3 more hours to endure, then I find out that you haven't even left the fucking place yet! Those stupid matches have to go on forever, so I calmed myself down and I was thinking okay at least now your leaving meaning you'd get back around 7 or so. We could still make Fast and Furious, my dad asked me if I wanted to go fabric shopping for my dress and I told him no, he asked me if I wanted to go to the mall with him which I do because I really want to look around and shop or maybe ask for job apps. I told him no, I wanted to wait for you, for you to arrive, I wanted to get all my homework done in time for you to come and hang out with me. But no, instead when I called, you said you just now fucking left, that means by now you won't be home till fucking 8 or some shit!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of this shit, waiting for you, crying for you, I don't fucking deserve to feel so much pain for you! It is such a fucking nice day, but I couldn't find anybody available because everything now is too last minute. Now I'm stuck at home, when my dad is away, my friends have all made plans, and I'm doing nothing but crying and screaming and writing this dumb blog! I wanted to make fucking dinner for you, but I can't go grocery shopping now, I changed, I took all that make up off, I'm on my pjs and out of my day clothes, and my hair lost is curls. I hope all of you fucking people had such a fun weekend, and fun time eating your fat ass out. I hope you all get fucking fat, when you tell someone you'd get them home a certain time make sure you get through it, this so could've been avoided! I get the matches when they take too damn fucking long, but you selfish tummies so could've avoided it but no, you couldn't even fucking eat at a fast food place. I'm fucking tired of this shit, I don't want to care anymore, because everytime I care I keep getting hurt, I keep missing and waiting for you so desperately to come but I'd rather just have no contact then when I see you it won't sting so much, for me every time I hear your voice, it stings me a little more, it makes me want you, miss you more. I'm fucking tired of wasting so much energy crying and missing you!