Think Space

• I'm starting to see this place as my go to diary, I don't have people reading on here so it's like my secret thinking space. Lately I just feel curious of what my mission is to be. I want to find some kind of awakening that Zach Braff had in Garden State, lately I've been obsessed with him on scrubs, I always liked him from that movie but the feelings just came back. I watched this movie like 4 years ago and now I'm feeling I need to watch it again. I just want to recognize myself, I know people say you know yourself the best, well you should, but I don't. I feel that people can see me like an open book while I can't even open the damn book. 
• Maybe for me its different, opening myself up is much harder because I see myself as a typical average human being living out my life until it ends. I have my parents to take care of, my grades to worry for dental school, and the two jobs I have to balance to help pay for school. I just want to know, what makes me unique. Its easy to pull out every unique character about everyone I know but I can't seem to do it myself. Whenever I talk about this to my boyfriend he just says I'm trying to gain a pity party. I honestly don't think he will ever be able to put himself in my shoes because he's never really failed at anything. I don't know, I think hes a brick wall but he didn't just put it there to protect himself, its as though he was born this way, like anti-depressant pills were slipped into his milk every morning. 
• He says I complain about the same problem over and over, but when you are dealing with a big problem it takes a long time to figure it out. Some math problems take 5 minutes which means they are worth 5 points while some problems take 40 minutes which sometimes teacher makes them worth 50 or so points. Choosing which coffee I should have in the morning should be a decision that can be made in 5 minutes. But just seeing where you will be, what use you are, and where you are meant to the universe should take years to think about. I really do think this is the time where we are the most confused in our lives, right now...in our twenties! I feel like as you're 7-13 years old you're confused about how to approach that crush of yours or how to deal with a heartache or losing a friend. Then in your teen years, you deal with that same stuff but to a heavier feeling, and school and grades can also take an affect in either making you feel happy or sad. For me it was mostly feeling sad. I failed my AP exam, my gpa wasn't good as I wanted it to be and I wished I got more scholarships. I know listening to me people will say things like you should appreciate what you have and stop complaining. Well I know, I've heard it a bajillion times. I just know I want to be better. 
• I wish I could have my personal psychiatrist to go to but not have to pay thousands of dollars for an hour or so. Friends can be helpful but sometimes I can't talk to them about this stuff or else they just compare themselves to me and feel even worse about themselves or they might be the type of person who hasn't felt the pain and agony of failure and disappointment and so they don't know what to say except some repeated tape-recording reassuring phrase like "Its gonna be okay". All this deep thinking might make me crazy but I feel like it can also help me dig deep into my creativity and see what I can pull from myself. 

I've learned

I've learned that I'm never gonna have more high expectations, I'm never gonna expect anything anymore because they keep leading me to disappointment. And I'm sick and tired of getting hurt, crying, feeling unable to move, to do anything. I need to start building a wall, and have low expectations, No more cute things to try to make everything better, no more. I've wasted my effort and energy. It's slowly killing me, I'm not strong enough to handle disappointment, so shouldn't the best thing to do is start avoiding it, shutting down my emotions. I'm gonna try to change, I feel like best will never be enough, I'm done.

Stupid shit wasted my fucking time.

Waste my fucking time, all you people are so fucking selfish, if some people didn't want to eat at a fucking restraunt then don't. Think about the people not yourself you bunch of hoebags! If you want to explore or some shit go on your fucking time and not waste other people's time! Some people are trying to leave and get home fast! I spent each night while you were away crying. I'm crying right now and I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I hate all of you you stupid fucking shit heads. I ain't never joining you stupid club because all you fucking people are irresponsible! Fucking liars saying you would leave at 1. This morning, I was thinking today's the day, I'm gonna see you again finally. I kept wanting to sleep more so time would go by faster. I woke up and tried to look prettier, I wore like 10 pounds of make up, I don't even like cover up but I tried, I curled my fucking hair which took like 30 fucking minutes of my time and because of that I came in late to school. They ran out of chairs so I had to stand the whole stupid period, I always come early so I get a seat but no, not this day. I got marked off and I stood the whole time. People even complimented on me today, I don't even like curling my hair that much but no, I wanted to dress up for you. By the time I got out I was thinking okay...just 3 more hours to endure, then I find out that you haven't even left the fucking place yet! Those stupid matches have to go on forever, so I calmed myself down and I was thinking okay at least now your leaving meaning you'd get back around 7 or so. We could still make Fast and Furious, my dad asked me if I wanted to go fabric shopping for my dress and I told him no, he asked me if I wanted to go to the mall with him which I do because I really want to look around and shop or maybe ask for job apps. I told him no, I wanted to wait for you, for you to arrive, I wanted to get all my homework done in time for you to come and hang out with me. But no, instead when I called, you said you just now fucking left, that means by now you won't be home till fucking 8 or some shit!!!! WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm tired of this shit, waiting for you, crying for you, I don't fucking deserve to feel so much pain for you! It is such a fucking nice day, but I couldn't find anybody available because everything now is too last minute. Now I'm stuck at home, when my dad is away, my friends have all made plans, and I'm doing nothing but crying and screaming and writing this dumb blog! I wanted to make fucking dinner for you, but I can't go grocery shopping now, I changed, I took all that make up off, I'm on my pjs and out of my day clothes, and my hair lost is curls. I hope all of you fucking people had such a fun weekend, and fun time eating your fat ass out. I hope you all get fucking fat, when you tell someone you'd get them home a certain time make sure you get through it, this so could've been avoided! I get the matches when they take too damn fucking long, but you selfish tummies so could've avoided it but no, you couldn't even fucking eat at a fast food place. I'm fucking tired of this shit, I don't want to care anymore, because everytime I care I keep getting hurt, I keep missing and waiting for you so desperately to come but I'd rather just have no contact then when I see you it won't sting so much, for me every time I hear your voice, it stings me a little more, it makes me want you, miss you more. I'm fucking tired of wasting so much energy crying and missing you!

I'm on a boat!

Today was so exciting that I had to talk about it so memories. Today I had a tennis tournament, got there around 9 and played against Khang, Jenny and Tri. Khang 6-7 tiebreaker 6-8, Jenny 6-2, and Tri 6-7 tiebreaker 1-7. I'm always so close but its never enough to win it all. Kinda sucks but I'll work on that. Epic battle with Shane and Jing. Afterwards Shane took me on his parent's boat and its fun and nice, it was the first time I have ever been on a boat so it was exciting Shane was so pro at what is it called? Water boarding? I don't know but I tried water skiing and it was fun but got me sore I think. Fell off like 6-7 times really fast, I stayed up for only a little bit then lost balance easily. Fun experience and then went swimming in the river for a bit with him, he was freezing his ass off haha. I love hanging out with him. Afterwards sped back to the dock on the boat and stopped at McDonalds once they took the boat on the truck. Fun day! But then again I always have fun with him anyways =)

Real talk

"You think you're not pretty. There's always someone uglier. You want more money. People are in poverty. You want a boyfriend. Someone doesn't even have parents. You're hungry. A child is starving. You want to go to the mall. Someone is looking for anything they can wear just to stay warm. You're chilly. Others are frozen. You just want to die. Most people want to live. So don't waste your time on things that you think you want because there is always someone out there who needs it much more than you could possibly know."

The most negative post you'll ever find me writing

For once in my life, this song really applies to how I feel right now. I've climbed too high just to fall even greater. I just really wanted this AP score to feel like as though I'm not as academically smart as those people in my school, I'm still determined, that I was worth something after all. But now, seeing that even trying at my best, it still wasn't enough I don't know what I'm good at. I don't have any skill/talent or anything. I thought I could handle everything, I thought if I was determined I could do it all, but I can't. I just feel like, I'm not doing this planet any good use, and being a waste of carbon dioxide. I feel like I am comparing myself to a lot of people, because I'm trying to live up to there standards. I'm surrounded by successful people and its hard to realize and accept that I just don't belong with them. I've always mostly think optimistically about everything, I can see that I am an optimistic person but, reality hit me hard. I'm a dreamer, and I've been out of touch with reality. It took me too long to realize that I couldn't handle and balance everything. As much as I wanted too, I couldn't handle and focus on everything to be at my best. What hope is there for accomplishment when your best isn't even enough?

Summer Hair = Forever Young

I just wanted to include the song title because the word 'summer' is in it and guess what? Its finally summer! :) Too bad the weather isn't cooperating. Hate Portland weather. There isn't much going on with me right now besides him. I'd like to dedicate this special blog to someone that has been pulling me up when I fall down, that has been making me feel special and worthwhile. And I know it annoys you to think of this but I honestly do believe you're a great guy and one day will realize that you're worth more and deserve better than me. I've never met a sweet guy like you before and for that I'm the luckiest girl in the world. These are the moments that that are worthwhile and I want to remember them for the rest of my life no matter what happens to us:

Me: hahaa did your parents teach you to be sweet or were you just born that way

Him: nope, you made me that way

Me: your the only one im talking to at the moment
Him: guess im special
Me: or your the only one responding to me
Me: hahaa
Me: everybody else is away
Me: jk you are special though
Him: You scared them all away
Me: -__- wow i take that special back now
Me: why havent i scared you then
Him: you my special scary girl
Him: i told you horrors dont scare me
Him: lol jk

Him: thats suppose to be my line lol
Me: whats your line?
Him: no =] i like talking to you
Him: that one
Me: well i added the smiley face so it makes it better
Me: plus i cant argue with that, the feeling is mutual
Him: but u did argue thats yours was better lol
Me: well it is better just cause it came from me too
Me: cause im better lol
Him: than who, me?
Me: yup!
Him: prove it
Me: im better than you at balloono
Me: and burns
Him: no
Me: and smiley faces
Him: i cant say that
Me: and draw my thing
Me: and balloono
Him: idk im better now
Him: jk I haven't played
Me: and typing
Him: well u cheat and use spell check
Me: hahaha wowwww
Me: i do not lol
Me: i dont even have spell check
Him: its auto on
Me: no its not lol
Him: right...
Me: i make mistakes too
Me: just not as much as you lol
Him: i just dont care to fix it lol
Him: that involves more work
Me: sureeeeee
Me: and i look better
Him: thats the one part you win on
(Gosh that so sweet ! )

Me: trust me i can handle staying up late lol i've pulled all-nighters for school before
Me: but i dont want to put you through it lol
Him: too bad
Him: I like chatting with you too much
Him: so its not your decision lol

(we were trying to decide which theater to go to, lloyd outside or lloyd inside to see iron man 2)
Me: Which theater dude? they both suck and have low seats!
Him: Well grow!
Me: I can't I'm asian
Him: Then sit one someone's lap!
Me: -____-
Him: Okay, which one has the lower seats?
Me: idk both of them?
Him: nah your supposed to tell me one of them so I can pick the lower seat theater.
Me: Why? so I wont be able to see the screen?!
Him: So you can sit on my lap.

Him: Don't be too cocky :p
Me: I'd rather be cocky than pessimistic
Him: Well, be optimistic but also realistic
Me: Its rare for optimistic and realistic to fall into the same category sometimes...
Him: Well you can always be -istic. So you have to choose your own prefix.

“Is it an accomplishment to be liked by them?” - S.

You have to make your own opinions of people otherwise you will miss out on some good people.

— S

<3>

(whatever peeps go and read and laugh if you want or think I'm being obsessive or something, but these are the moments I cherish so I just want to create memories and remember them.)

The Good Moments.

These are the moments I dont wanna forget cause their just too funny and fun.
All I can recall recently was the time when me and Jessica and Joanna were release from school early because of clinicals so we went to Pioneer and walked around. When we sat down to eat, I chose Cajun Kitchen and Jessica chose McDonalds and Joanna already ate so she just sat down with us. I went and got more soy sauce to add to my noodles and i only ripped a small whole on it. Because of that, little came out so I was putting so much pressure on it so more could come out and then it squirted on the left of Joanna and made a path on the floor. Some got on her backpack. We were laughing so much x]

Another time, was when W. drooled during volunteering at Hospice and it was so hilarious, cause he was just talking and then drool just drooped down. And then L. came and and said W. did you spill hand sanitizer again? x]

Today, I went to the mall with B. and all the friends, and I knew J.'s ex was supposed to come, there was one guy in the bunch I didn't recognized, so I thought it was her ex because I haven't seen him in over a year. I told her to come by and whipsered in her ear. "He looks so much thinner, and cuter!" She replied, "Really? He looks the same to me." And I said, " nooo, he isn't wearing glasses, his face is thinner." And She just looked at me with a question mark. Then I turned my head and looked at him once more and I guess she saw my glance so she whispered in my ear once more, "Thats G.'s little brother, its not really him." O_O We just started cracking up.

Earlier that day, me and J.R bet each other on which way would get us back to Caliese's class faster from the cafeteria, then when we raced, I ran and ran, when I finally got there she was there just sitting on the desk outside class waiting for me. I fell to the ground tired and laughing. It was just like those moments you can't help but laugh. These are the moments I want to remember to put me in a good mood.

(I used initials cause I didn't want to expose names. )

New Year

I love the holidays, no school, no stress, no staying up late! And a new year, new beginnings, new grades, new movies oh i just cant wait for those! New goals, and new ambitions.

BIGGEST PET PEAVE

Being called Lizzie! I'm not use to it and its fucking annoying cause I always think back to Lizzie Mcguire, I mean I like the show a lot but I'm not some blonde chick who has a cartoon for a mind!