Think Space

• I'm starting to see this place as my go to diary, I don't have people reading on here so it's like my secret thinking space. Lately I just feel curious of what my mission is to be. I want to find some kind of awakening that Zach Braff had in Garden State, lately I've been obsessed with him on scrubs, I always liked him from that movie but the feelings just came back. I watched this movie like 4 years ago and now I'm feeling I need to watch it again. I just want to recognize myself, I know people say you know yourself the best, well you should, but I don't. I feel that people can see me like an open book while I can't even open the damn book. 
• Maybe for me its different, opening myself up is much harder because I see myself as a typical average human being living out my life until it ends. I have my parents to take care of, my grades to worry for dental school, and the two jobs I have to balance to help pay for school. I just want to know, what makes me unique. Its easy to pull out every unique character about everyone I know but I can't seem to do it myself. Whenever I talk about this to my boyfriend he just says I'm trying to gain a pity party. I honestly don't think he will ever be able to put himself in my shoes because he's never really failed at anything. I don't know, I think hes a brick wall but he didn't just put it there to protect himself, its as though he was born this way, like anti-depressant pills were slipped into his milk every morning. 
• He says I complain about the same problem over and over, but when you are dealing with a big problem it takes a long time to figure it out. Some math problems take 5 minutes which means they are worth 5 points while some problems take 40 minutes which sometimes teacher makes them worth 50 or so points. Choosing which coffee I should have in the morning should be a decision that can be made in 5 minutes. But just seeing where you will be, what use you are, and where you are meant to the universe should take years to think about. I really do think this is the time where we are the most confused in our lives, right now...in our twenties! I feel like as you're 7-13 years old you're confused about how to approach that crush of yours or how to deal with a heartache or losing a friend. Then in your teen years, you deal with that same stuff but to a heavier feeling, and school and grades can also take an affect in either making you feel happy or sad. For me it was mostly feeling sad. I failed my AP exam, my gpa wasn't good as I wanted it to be and I wished I got more scholarships. I know listening to me people will say things like you should appreciate what you have and stop complaining. Well I know, I've heard it a bajillion times. I just know I want to be better. 
• I wish I could have my personal psychiatrist to go to but not have to pay thousands of dollars for an hour or so. Friends can be helpful but sometimes I can't talk to them about this stuff or else they just compare themselves to me and feel even worse about themselves or they might be the type of person who hasn't felt the pain and agony of failure and disappointment and so they don't know what to say except some repeated tape-recording reassuring phrase like "Its gonna be okay". All this deep thinking might make me crazy but I feel like it can also help me dig deep into my creativity and see what I can pull from myself.